my blush unseen

I came across Gray’s poem during Ms. Young’s AP English class. I’m not a huge poetry fan, I’d choose prose any day. But this line has always stuck with me because it resonated in me, like it was speaking to me, or I should say speaking about me.

“Full many a flower is born to blush unseen” (Elegy Written in a Country Court-Yard)

It seems to capture who I am and the life I want to live. In one simple line.

I have to give credit to/blame my parents. They are the most amazing selfless people who don’t get credit or recognition for everything they have done or are doing. They left for a place not very well known to their family or friends for reasons not completely understood by them in their late 20s. They’ve spent a third of their lives in a foreign land living with and serving these people when their friends were building their careers, saving up money, living in familiarity. Even now, though they’re back in Korea and can still choose to do so, they continue to work for and serve the immigrants and illegal laborers.

So who remembers their work? Who acknowledges their toil and honors their fruit? No-one. Sure, the individuals whose lives have crossed paths with my parents’ do but they won’t be awarded any medals anytime soon. At least not in this place or time.

They could’ve chosen a much easier road. And I guess my life would have turned out very differently too. It’s not like they’re dumb or they had nothing else to do with their lives. My dad is one of the smartest people I know. Not only is he a Middle East expert, he is also the best Turkish speaker in Korea. I don’t say this simply because I’m his daughter, but it’s true. I’ve never met any other Korean who speaks Turkish or understands the language as well as he does. This is proven whenever he is asked to interpret for the Turkish prime minister, mayor of Ankara, celebrity, government official or businessmen visiting Korea. And my mom is also one of the wisest people I know. :)

But they go unnoticed

It’s not for honor or money or a comfortable life that they live for. It’s for something much greater, for an everlasing kingdom.

That’s the kind of example I’ve seen and grown up under all my life. I don’t want the spotlight, I’d rather be behind the scenes.

But I’m beginning to understand why my parents pushed me to aim high and go to a good college. I used to argue with them because I didn’t think a good college would be relevant to what I wanted to do. So why push myself, why not settle? Because it affects what I can do. Because it opens numerous doors, and I can have a lot more choices – good choices – in pursuing my dreams (especially in a small country like South Korea). If I get the highest quality education, I have all the more to offer for the people I later serve. That’s why they pushed me so hard, and I appreciate it now though I didn’t appreciate it then.

So many people will ‘succeed’ and their ‘blushes’ will be applauded, honored, and rewarded. I will work just as hard as those people. I’ll follow my dreams, my passions, and heartbeat – but like my parents, I want to blush unseen for the neglected the rejected, and the unseen.

That will be my blush unseen.

And it’s kinda scary actually writing this because what if 5, 10 years from now I’ve settled for the mediocre or the comfortable life? What if I’ve realized the naivete of my thoughts and the reality of life? Well, then maybe I can look back and let this be a reminder of my hopes and dreams at age twenty-one.

Mary, remember whose support you have and never ever be discouraged or give up. You can do all things through Him who gives you strength. Now go for it. :)

난…요리하는 여자

오늘 지영이가 놀러왔다. 지영이 오기 1시간 반전, 난 부엌에서 분주하게 움직이기 시작했지. 설거지부터 하고, 애호박을 씻고 껍질을 벗기는게 맞는지 고민하다 호박부침으로 요리를 시작했다.

엄마가 이 광경을 보면 기절하시겠지? 엄마가 집에 안계시면 굶는 나인데… 아빠까지 굶기는 나인데… 사과 깍다가 사과의 색깔을 노랑에서 밤색으로 변화시키는 나인데… 뭐, 바뀐건 크게 없다. 요리 하면서도 여전히 부딪치고, 떨어뜨리고, 칼에 살짝 베이기도 하고, 계속 뜨거운거에 딘다. 하지만, 생존본능이라도 작동한건가?

아니, 오늘은 양을 향한 사랑이 작동한거야. 지영이는 내 양이다~ 비록 다른 학교로 왔지만, 같은 D.C.로 오게 된 우리. 지영이가 먹고 싶어한 된장찌개…꼭 하고 말겠어.

음… 난 좋은 목자가 아니다. 모든 답을 가지고 있지도 않고, 거룩한 삶도 살고 있지 않다. 하지만 지영이에게는 고민을 털어놓을 수 있는, 같이 선한 믿음의 싸움을 싸워가는 편한 언니이자 중보기도자가 되어주고 싶다.  지영이란 양이 있기 때문에 난 기도를 더 하게 된다 – 부족한 날 위해, 그리고 사랑스러운 지영이를 위해. 지영이란 양이 있기 때문에 목자의 마음이 무엇인지 조금 더 알아간다. 가장 좋은 것만 항상 주고 싶고, 양이 기쁘면 나도 기쁘고, 양의 고민들이 나의 고민들이 되어가고, 양이 하나님 앞에 우뚝 서있을때 너무 가슴이 벅차구나… 그리고, 내가 내 목자들에게 받은 만큼 지영이에게 흘러보내주고 싶은 마음.

난 지영이가 너무 좋다. 공통점들이 있어서 좋다 – 둘다 요리꽝 (너무 웃겨), 둘다 설거지 하는거 엄청 좋아하고, 길치이고, 독서 좋아하고, 밥 엄청 잘 먹고, 같은 정치외교과, 중동에 관심있고, 등등. 착하고 마음이 너무 예쁜 지영이, 정말 좋아할 이유가 수두룩 하지만, 그냥 내 양이란 그 한 이유 때문에 너무 좋다.

오늘 Q.Q.를 드디어 끝냈다. D.C.에서 양육을 할 수 있다는 것도 참 축복이야, 그지? 지영이 Q.Q.는 에테오피안 식당에서 하고, 내 Q.Q.는 Lincoln Memorial와 World War II Memorial 저녁산보를 하면서. 잊을 수 없는 한학기의 양육이 될거 같다, 너무 기대된다 지영이를 통해 배울 목자의 마음과 지영이를 향한 하나님의 크신 마음.

양은…하영이를 즐겁게 요리하게 만든다.

된장찌개 성공!

호박전도 성공!

진짜 배터지게 먹었구나 >_<

a better place

If pictures speak a thousand words, than these shall express my heart’s deepest sentiments.

World War II Holocaust Museum

This museum was built in 1993 during the Clinton adminstration to remember the past so that it would not repeat itself. I find this very ironic since it was only a year later that the massive Tutsi genocide occurred in Rwanda while the U.S., UN and the rest of the world chose to do nothing.

History repeats itself. We can’t just watch it happen and then build a museum 50 years later to express condolences.

The U.S. has a lot of pressure and expectations as a democratic unipolar superpower to intervene and to help. But, I’m not a U.S. citizen. I’m a Korean. I don’t know the extent of aid or involvement my country had in Rwanda, or has in Darfur or Sudan. As a political science and international relations major, if I end up working for the Korean government I’d like to make South Korea into one of the biggest aid-giving, ‘humanitarian’ countries in the world.

I don’t think that there can ever be a ‘peaceful’ world or that pain will be erased from this world. That’s not my goal. There will be brothers against brothers and a lot of pain and suffering, especially during the end times the Bible says. What I want to do is be God’s love to the hurt. I want them to know that God never abandoned the weak, the poor, or the hurt.

What can you do?

S.H.K.

“저는 진짜로 좋은 사람이 되고 싶어요. 좋은 리더보다는 정말로 사람 냄새가 나는 그런 좋은 사람이 되고 싶어요. 그런 사람이 되야 좋은 리더가 될 수 있다고 생각해요.” -S.H.K.

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 내 꿈은 더 커진다 절대로 포기할 수 없다

그의 몫까지 꼭 하고 싶기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 하루하루의 소중함을 느낀다

언제 하나님께서 나를 집으로 데려가실지 모르기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 내 주위에 있는 사람들을 더 사랑하고 싶다

그가 내게 준 사랑이 너무 크기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 하나님을 붙잡을 수 밖에 없다

그가 하나님을 위해 살았기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 나도 좋은 리더가 되고 싶다

성현이가 가장 최고의 리더가 되었을 수 있었기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 나는 더 당당해지고 자신감이 생긴다

친구가 내게 해준 말들이 생각나기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 하늘나라가 더 기대된다

친구의 빈자리가 너무 크기에…

친구를 생각할 때 마다, 아픈만큼 그리운 만큼 감사하다

“Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all”

보고싶고, 사랑해 임마

     

top of the world

Such a feeling’s coming over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It’s because you are here
You’re the nearest thing to heaven that I’ve seen

I’m on the top of the world looking down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learned my name
And it’s telling me that things are not the same
In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze
There’s a pleasing sense of happiness for me

There is only one wish on my mind
When this day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here

I’m on the top of the world looking down on creation
and the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world

At the top of the Empire State Building, I listened to this song 5 consecutive times while taking in the clouds and the dazzling city below on a very sunny and windy day. And now, in a day I have dropped from being on top of the world to ‘Gell Hell’ (nickname for the Gelman Library).

You can literally be on top of the world and be awed with the breathtaking view, but sometimes you don’t need to be on top of the world to have your breath taken away and heart pounding when you have someone to share the beauty with.  This is why when people see beauty, they long for someone to share it with and feel the emptiness even more. Is such the case for me?

I miss you, whoever you are. Maybe I haven’t met you yet – I hope we do soon. If I’ve already met you, please get a move on. I’m wa-it-ing-

Procrastination and I

I excel in procrastination. Hard, cold fact. I thrive under procrastination. It has become my second best friend – my shadow. Old habits die hard, no I’m now more convinced than ever that they never die. I think I started really getting along with procrastination in high school. So many more distractions in life, perhaps? Or just the accumulated amount of laziness in my life.  The worst case of procrastination in my life… well, that scrapbook project for German II which was worth a huge chunk of our grade – I began that the weekend it was due. And the AP English research paper which was worth 50% of our grade – I did that the night before.

And today… 2 papers due, including one midterm project. I do an outline of one paper the night before and go to bed for 5 hours. I wake up and then choose the movie I will write about at 8:30 a.m. I begin watching the movie. I go to class at 11:10 a.m. and return at 1 p.m. I finish watching the movie. 2 p.m. I begin writing the paper and doing the research. I remember that I must also finish the other paper that I’ve begun last night. All this before 4:30 p.m. so that I’ll have enough time to run to the library and print copies and make it to class by 5:10 p.m. One crazy, crazy day. I can’t believe I started it the day of, I can’t believe I actually slept, and took a 20 minute nap because I was so tired…

I’ve been wondering… WHY DON’T I LEARN?! Maybe the truth is procrastination and I are compatible. Like I said, I thrive under procrastination – the pressure is almost exciting, and it’s a challenge like a 100 meter sprint meet – except it’s your brain and how fast your fingers can type. And the euphoria that is released when you are done…! I couldn’t stop smiling all the way to class because I did it. Maybe I would cut off my relationship with procrastination if it harmed me, but as of yet I haven’t failed any major projects or papers and I’m satisfied with the grades I get (which is bad, seeing as if I begin my work in advance, I would be getting higher grades…. just speculation, never been proven). So we have a symbiotic relationship, or however they say… But I should really… take a break from procrastination. It’s gonna hit me one day.

But not today. :)

P.S. A fleeting thought – I hope my future employers never read my blog.

Happy vs Joy

If you ask me how I am these days, the answer I’d have given you for the past month is: “Happy.” Very happy. In fact, I haven’t felt this much happines or contentment in my life in a while. It feels good – very good. Maybe it’s because I needed a change of scene and I got a very beautiful one. Maybe it’s because I’m not involved in any extracurricular activities here, so I’m free from any obligations or responsibilities. Maybe it’s because I have a lot of time for myself to do the things I wanna do when I wanna do them. Maybe it’s because life is simple at this moment – there aren’t any complicating matters for me to work out or be stressed about. Maybe it’s because Korea’s been a real testing ground, furnace, desert, high hurdle, whatever simile you can think of – so the silence after the storm actually feels nice. Maybe it’s because I’ve been looking forward to this for such a long time (I’ve always wanted to study in the U.S. since high school and graduation) that I’m excited I finally made it and I’m soaking in all of this moment. Maybe it’s because I just am.

I deserve to be happy. I’m entitled to my share of happiness, is what I like to think.

But, I know all too well that happiness is temporary. There’s a difference between ‘joy’ and ‘happiness’. Joy is the permanent one. I’m happy because I’m getting my change of scene. So what happens when I go back? I don’t know. I might be happy, I might not.

That’s not good. The Bible tells me, “Be joyful always.” And this past week, God’s been speaking to me about His grace. I love it when He uses multiple venues to grab my attention about the same lesson/theme. On Friday, I read the verse “through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:2). And the Bible study group leader threw us the question, “Does grace make you stand?” What is making me stand? What am I holding onto?

It’s when I’m having a hard time that I usually reach out to God and my prayers get fervent. It’s then that I seek His wisdom, His comfort, His love and grace. And it’s when life is going well that I become apathetic. I acknowledge God, but it feels like I’m doing fine without being passionate or fervent. I have a confession – I have a very emotional circumstantial faith. It’s something I struggle with. I can rejoice and praise God when all is going well. But I don’t necessarily seek Him with all I am. I have a hard time giving thanks to God when I’m going through tough times emotionally. But I seek Him with all my heart. I really want my faith to become more solid, I want to be able to be joyful in the midst of pain and I want my faith to become a stronghold/base in my life not a swaying reef in a swamp.

God is telling me, “My grace is sufficient for you Mary. My grace is sufficient for joy.” “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6-8) Grace is what surrounds me. Grace is what I breathe. And so it’s not just ‘hahahahaha joy’ that we can have in our lives, but true joy that comes from God’s unfailing love and grace – that’s what supports us. That’s what I can hold onto wherever I am in life.

On Sunday, God gave me another reminder through the pastor who also spoke about grace. Religion is man’s efforts to find God and so it begins with man. But Christianity begins with God. Faith starts with God. He chose us through grace. Paul addresses the people in Ephesus as “the faithful saints.” We aren’t ‘saints’ because we live holy lives. Because God sees us as saints, we are to live holy lives. Because God calls us His children, we are to live our lives that are fitting to that. Not the other way around. We have to look at this thing through God’s eye, His point of view. Grace is his gift that doesn’t expect anything in return. It’s unconditional. It’s the source of peace and joy.

I think that’s what God is wanting me to learn and live. To not lose joy in the midst of my happiness. To not lose joy in the midst of tough times. Because His grace (which stems from His love) is unconditional and never failing.

I’m very happy. But I’d be even happier if I just had that joy – if I could really stamp it into my heart that God loves me. I want to seek Him in my life.

Happy, Sad

Last week for my Film and Foreign Policy class, the TA gave me a bit of leeway when I told her that I wasn’t able to get a hold of ‘Ghost Wars’ in the library. She told me I could turn in half the paper on the movie (Charlie Wilson’s War) and then turn in the other half this week. What a relief, seeing as the book is as thick as a cement brick. Today, I get back the half of the paper with an ‘A’. I politely remind the TA that I haven’t finished the other half of the paper. Imagine my joy when she tells me, “Oh, you don’t have to. You did a good enough job.” I can’t believe my ears – I doublecheck. “I don’t have to read the book and turn in the other half of the paper?” She says, “Well, I’ll make it optional.” I am one happy girl who sits in her seat at the beginning of class with a big smile on her face. Because I’m not going to take that option.

And so begins the weekly movie – today it’s ‘Black Hawk Down’. And the happy girl finds herself with tears in her eyes. Because the handsome actors are falling dead on the screen before me? Because it’s based on a true story? No. The only other moments that I have felt this type of heart sinking sadness – that I can remember – were in the cemetery on the beach of Normandy, walking around the spotless white headstones of the young soldiers, and last year at this time of year in the school library, when I was watching the movie, ‘Hotel Rwanda’. It hit me that war is not history. The death and sacrifices of young men and women are not history. History is still being lived today. Today is still war. And maybe someday my children will watch movies about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and the Iraqi and Afghanistan wars. It’s still ongoing. I guess that’s what saddens me. It’s just numbers to us, you know? Suicide bomber, kills 12, 15 wounded in combat, 85 civilians injured… but it’s not numbers, it’s lives, it’s people, it’s brothers, husbands, fathers, and friends. This is really sad to me, not because it affects me directly – but because it doesn’t. Because I live in a part of the world that doesn’t really care about Israel or Palestine, about the orphans and refugees in Afghanistan or Pakistan. And this bothers me. It saddens me.

After class, I sent a text to Adam. I thought of him, because he’s my friend and he’s a Marine and I realize that it takes a lot of courage to train to be a Marine and I was so bothered by this movie. Because it’s not a movie – this is reality. “I just watched black hawk down. Please don’t go fight” He replies, “I’m sorry. I have to. And maybe I will die, but then maybe I’m supposed to. Okay?” It made me angry for some reason, although I can’t really read his tone of voice. What did I expect him to say, “Ok, Mary I won’t. I don’t want to die either”? I guess it’s because I have this fear of losing people I love. I lost one of my best friends earlier this year, and I had to deal with that. I had to go through the shock, the grief, the numbness, the endless tears and questioning. Someone told me I’ll be the stronger for it, but at this point I just know that it’s left me with a fear of losing a loved one – that this has become a real fear for me. Just talking about it, thinking about it makes me cry. Because it just hurts really bad. You really don’t know what it’s like until you are actually hit with the pain – I never got to say goodbye, I never told my friend how much I loved them or how much they meant to me and I still miss my friend so very much and that part of my heart will always be… empty. So the thought of losing another friend is unbearable. The thought that war is real, death is real, and there are people who suffer great loss daily just pains me.

So what can I do? God, what can I do?

Little Town of Bethlehem

I went to see the screening of this short movie about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict at Georgetown University. I enjoyed the movie immensely, but the panel afterwards even more. The most poignant moment of the evening was when someone from the audience asked Sami, one of the men featured in the movie, about the nonviolence movement:

“Can you tell us any stories of hope? Do you think there is a tipping point for peace?”

“No. We are still really far. This is not a success story. We are failures. We didn’t stop the Occupation, we didn’t remove any checkpoints. And the reality is deteriorating. But we are sick with hope… A lot of people ask us what keeps us going. Solidarity. Comoderie between the most unlikely people. We managed to change. We gain an understanding and humanity of the other side. Courage – this is what keeps us going.”