Dreams change. Hopes change.

When I “grow up”,

As an elementary student, I wanted to be a teacher.
As a middle school kid, I wanted to be a writer.
As a high school kid, I wanted to be a humanitarian aid activist.
As a college student, I wanted to become a conflict resolution expert in the Middle East, with a focus on refugee issues.

Dreams change. Hopes change.
And then there’s reality – which is the biggest change.

“Grown up” now and 2 years out of college,
I’m grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to teach English to kids (fun for the most part), and I’m really grateful for this learning experience in journalism.

I’m not sure where all these turn of events will take me –
further down the road in journalism or media-
or perhaps a sudden U-turn elsewhere,
but I really hope I end up in humanitarian aid and conflict resolution somewhere along my timeline,
however long it may take.

 

Nablus, Palestine / October 2012
photo courtesy of Dal-lim Hwang

curiosity,

2 little girls with heart-warming smiles and curiosity-filled eyes stop in front of me as I’m texting on my phone on the streets of my neighborhood.

“بياعة ده؟ بكام ده؟”
I’m not quite sure which part of my appearance resembles the Chinese ladies I occasionally come across on the Dokki streets selling random items such as cell-phones and remote controls.
“ماعرفش بالضبط عشان اشتريت ده من زمان.”
“انتي صينية؟”
“لا، أنا منين؟”
I love playing this guessing game. They ponder and inspect my face.
“انتي أميركية؟”
Either I speak Arabic with a strong American accent or some facial feature I have makes me look Caucasian because I get this from time to time.
“!لا”
“انتي من مصر؟”
This puts a big smile on my face.
“.لا”
“انتي منين؟؟”
(:”أنا من كوريا الجنوبية.”
“أههه”, they say. Their polite smiles make me wonder if it’s out of simple courtesy or genuine recognition of the small peninsula some thousand miles away. Their curiosity has been satisfied and “مع السلامة” we part our ways.

What cute role-models, I should be more like them – throwing those questions that itch my curiosity. Good to know I look 1) Chinese, 2) American, and 3) Egyptian.

Me

photo courtesy of Dal-Lim Hwang

 

My face says I’m Korean,
but my heart says I’m not –
My heart says I’m a Turk,
but my face says I’m not –
I come across as an American,
but my head says I’m not –
someday I’d like to say I’m Egyptian,
but everybody says I’m not –

I blend, I camouflage,
but really
I don’t.
and
everyday
is just one more day
in wandering, meandering, searching for
the likes of
Me.
but maybe,
really,
I’m just

You.

 

 

가까운 곳의 행복,

롤모델 삼고 싶은 오빠로부터,

“하영아, 무엇보다 거기 있으면서 빠지기 쉬운 함정은 ‘너’를 위한 모험과 재미가 ‘남’에게 보이기 위한 ‘쇼’로 전락하는 것인 듯 하다.사실 난 언제부터인지 ‘인생이 영화같지 않으면 얼마나 재미가 없고 허무한가? 인생이 영화보다 더 박진감 넘치고 신나야지.’ 라고 생각했었다?

그런데말이야, 꼭 기승전결과 클라이막스가 있는 남이 보기에 재미있는 ‘쇼’로 억지로 자신의 인생을 각색할 필요는 없는 듯 하다. 순간 순간 너의 ‘행복’이 무엇인지, 너가 편안하고 즐거울 때가 무엇인지에 대해 솔직해지고, 그렇게 한걸음 한걸음 살아가는 것이, 삶의 참된 방향이리라 믿는다.

블로깅도 좋고, 자기 PR도 좋지만, 그에 앞서, 너의 가장 가까운 곳의 일상과 사람들에서 행복을 찾을 수 있기를 바란다. 그렇게 행복한 것이 오늘의 너의 모습이어야하고, 자고 일어난 내일의 너의 모습이어야하고, 죽기 직전 순간의 네모습이어야 하기 때문이지.

덧. 언어공부 열심히해라. 그리고 너가 언어를 배우는 주 목적이 무엇인지 잊지마.”

______________________________________

a walk by the Nile,
Nov, 2012
Copyright: Mary Hayoung Kim

잊고 있었다, 다른 사람들과 비교만 하고 있었다.

맞아,  아랍어를 배우기로 결심한 이유는 아랍 사람들과 소통하기 위해서이고, 그들의 이야기를 듣고 싶어서이고, 마음을 사기 위해서다. 목적을 잊고 있었다. 내가 언어를 배우고 싶었던 이유는 단 하나: 의사소통.

내 삶이 누구한테 보여지기 위해 사는게 아니라, 진정 내 마음의 소망들을 풀어나가기 위해, 내가 행복하고 좋아하기에 그렇게 살고 싶다. 누가 뭐래도 내 자신에게 떳떳하고 자유로운 삶. 글을 쓰는 이유도 나를 위한 것이고, 공부 방향도 내 목적에 맞기 때문이고, 무엇을 하던 하나님이 내게 주신 달란트와 성향을 조합하며 최선을 다해 사는 것.

영화 같은 삶 보단 마음 속 깊은 곳에서 우려나는 행복이 얼굴 가득히 채우는 삶. 눈 뜨기 전, 눈 감기 전 행복하다고 고백하는 삶.

내게 필요했던 말.. 한 발짝 물러서서 조급하기 보단 목적을 다시금 마음에 새기고 남들과 비교하고 자책하기 보단 매 순간 즐기겠다고 다짐할 수 있게 하는 격려의 말.

________________________________

내 일상의 행복,

햇빛 따뜻한 오후, 해질 무렵, 그리고 달 아래 나일 강가 산책,

길 거리에서 파는 1.5 파운드 군고구마,

쥬스 가계의 망고 수박 바나나 쥬스,

따자의 ‘씨시 타욱’, 라드완의 ‘멯씨 아이납 와라’, 예멘이 이이씨,

마음의 글이 술술 적히는 잠을 잊은 새벽 시간,

마치 내 주위 모든 사람들이 내 편이 된것 같은 순간 – like everyone’s-looking-out-for-me kind-of moments,

지하철 작은 꼬마들이 이름을 물어보고 환한 미소와 호기심으로 시작하는 대화,

바왑 아내와 주고 받는 몇 마디 안되는 대화에서 서로가 서로를 이해한 순간들,

집 앞에서 내 손을 잡고 엘레베이터 앞까지 바려다주는 바왑의 아들 신사 아흐마드,

친구들과 오페라 카폐에 앉아 거창하지도 않고 중요하지도 않지만 추워지는 밤 하늘 아래 나누는 사소한 얘기들,

웃음 그리고 의사소통,

별 것 아닌, 하지만 오늘 내일 내가 행복한 이유, 그리고 내가 더 열심히 언어를 배워야하는 이유.

오빠의 말을 마음 깊히 새겨두며..

꿈.

시와 사막

엄마는 나를 꿈쟁이라고 부른다. 그냥 내가 하고 싶은 일 평생하고 꿈 속에서 살면 안될까?

20대 현장에서 직접 뛰고 느끼고 가슴 뛰는 일을 하고 싶은 꿈, 

그 작은 설렘과 가슴뜀으로 조금 더 아름다운 세상을 만들고 싶은 꿈,

아픔이 있는 곳에 같이 아파하고 하나님의 사랑을 전하고 싶은 꿈,

부모님의 자랑, 하나님의 자랑이 되고픈 꿈, 

웃음과 감사 잃지 않고 주어진 시간 최선을 다해 살고 싶은 꿈, 

평생 사랑할 수 있는 남자 만나 아름다운 아내가 되고픈 꿈,

그리고 내 아이들에게 더 크고 예쁜 꿈들을 심어주고픈 꿈.

현실에 구속 받지 않고 험악한 세상 평생 꿈꾸며 살고프다.

가능할까?

a scared idealist dreamer.

I’m scared. I can’t see myself working for a big company. I can’t see myself being a full-time housewife. What do you want to do, what do you want to be people ask. So I just say what’s deep down on my heart, what I would love to do – help people in conflict-torn places, be at the center of conflicts, help refugees. But I feel vulnerable every time those words leave my mouth because I’m scared. What if that’s not what I end up doing? What if I compromise? But I can’t see myself being truly content and happy with my life settling for anything else. That also makes me scared. I don’t know exactly how things will look like in several years down the road, but being a ‘dreamer’ and an ‘idealist’ who wants to make a difference in the world, I just continue to be vulnerable and dream. And since God placed all of this on my heart, I trust that He’ll lead me on the best path as He’s been doing for the past 23 years, because His heart and His plans are bigger than mine. :)

at Tahrir Square, Cairo

The MBTI (Myer-Briggs Type Indicator) says I’m an “INFP.” I 100% agree. I’m an idealist dreamer through and through, with all my flaws. :)

INFP – “Idealist” or “Dreamer”

What different sources say:

“INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginative, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.”

___________________________________________________________________

“According to Myers-Briggs, INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics. They seek an external life that is in keeping with these values. Loyal to the people and causes important to them, INFPs can quickly spot opportunities to implement their ideals. They are curious to understand those around them, and so are accepting and flexible except when their values are threatened.

The polite, reserved exterior of INFPs can at first make them difficult to get to know. They enjoy conversation, however, taking particular delight in the unusual. When INFPs are in a sociable mood, their humor and charm shine through. Disposed to like people and to avoid conflict, INFPs tend to make pleasant company.

Devoted to those in their inner circle, INFPs guard the emotional well-being of others, consoling those in distress. Guided by their desire for harmony, INFPs prefer to be flexible unless their ethics are violated. Then, they become passionate advocates for their beliefs. They are often able to sway the opinions of others through tact, diplomacy, and an ability to see varying sides of an issue.

INFPs develop these insights through reflection, and they require substantial time alone to ponder and process new information. While they can be quite patient with complex material, they are generally bored by routine. Though not always organized, INFPs are meticulous about things they value. Perfectionists, they may have trouble completing a task because it cannot meet their high standards. They may even go back to a completed project after the deadline so they can improve it. They continually seek new ideas and adapt well to change. They prefer working in an environment that values these gifts and allows them to make a positive difference in the world, according to their personal beliefs.”

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“As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.  

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same – the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place. 

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing their emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well. 

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don’t really care whether or not they’re right. They don’t want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people’s conflicts, because they intuitively understand people’s perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they’re interested in, it usually becomes a “cause” for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their “cause.”

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gratefulness is, happiness is

Day 17

 
gratefulness is..
– crossing the road in one piece
– realizing that the drops of water falling on me on the streets is not spit, only water from the air conditioners in homes
– an honest and friendly taxi driver
– change in my pocket
– the ability to sleep through the call to prayer at wee hours of the morning
– the ladies-only compartment on the metro
– egyptian hospitality and warmth
– the declining heat as cairo welcomes fall

 

happiness is..
– the air conditioner (that finally works) at home
– the 5 Egyptian pound fruit juice in the neighborhood
– having the taxi driver or the stranger on the street understand my pronunciation
– the company of the cool evening wind by the Nile
– frozen mangoes in the freezer
– the beautiful smiles of little children
– ‘lunch’ at my egyptian friend’s house

 

the fact that I am here, alive with the city

marketplace in ‘Islamic Cairo’
Copyright: Mary Hayoung Kim

Korea and I, we’re cool

Growing up abroad, I had a pretty awkward relationship with South Korea. It was a place that “claimed” me as its own, with its dark green passport marking me as its citizen and with my Asian eyes, flat nose and black hair, it was a place where I camouflaged flawlessly into the crowd. I was taught its language, its culture of respect, and its customs under Korean parents, but the feelings were never mutual since I could never claim South Korea as ‘my own.’ Our family would occasionally visit the ‘homeland’ every 3 years or so during the summer vacations, and the thrill of experiencing a “new” (at least for my sister and I) culture was always there but would quickly wear out within a couple of weeks and after 2 months, I would always be ready to go back “home” (which happened to be Turkey with whom I also had an unbalanced relationship since I claimed it to be mine, yet the feelings were not returned – it was also a place where I stood out like a lemon amongst pistacchios, a fact that was daily pointed out to me wherever I went).

There were always so many things that I disliked about Korea and its culture – these were the things that I felt I could never be part of or acknowledge as part of ‘me.’ This compiled with the pressure and emphasis that my parents would place on me to embrace the culture and identity, as my very own, led to a greater resistance on my part, leaving me with a great identity crisis for the better part of my adolescent years. Not to mention that I was educated all my life in English under American teachers which meant that the way that I thought was ‘American’ (which is so very hard to describe in words). Also the Korean people I did grow up with were not really Koreans but third-culture kids(TCKs) like myself who were lost inbetween cultures and identities. So I continued to resist my Korean identity. In high school, I declared that I would not live in Korea – so Korean college was never an option that I saw for myself. My very worried parents felt differently, of course.

But now, I stand a graduate of a Korean university and a proud survivor of 5 years in the city of Seoul (how I got here is a long story of its own telling to do), and I feel this 5 year journey, as rough as it was, has given me a gift of maturity and an expansion in my heart for cultural understanding. What I struggled with during the transition  wasn’t just the pressure to adjust (which happens to be one of the greatest skills I have), but it was the pressure to quickly reconcile the long lost time between South Korea and I, and become best friends – even worse, family. It had long claimed me as its own, and that’s what I struggled with – the fact that this was ‘my identity’ but that I knew nothing about it and the things that I was discovering were just puzzling.

The honest fact is, my reaction to Korea was totally different from my behavior towards other cultures. Towards other cultures, I was more open and willing to embrace or accept the things as they were. But towards Korea, I was especially critical and harsh because deep down I thought that once I accepted things as they were, I would become a stranger to even myself. These thoughts are so intricately complicated that even now I’m having a hard time putting them into comprehensible words. Simply put, my mode was ‘rejection.’

But what happened? I survived, and came out a better person because I’ve gained cultural understanding. In the process of being judgmental, Korea has (ironically) taught me to be less judgmental towards culture. Albeit there are still things that I don’t understand (the rudeness of ajummas, the emphasis on physical beauty and perfection, etc.), but what would culture be without its quirks, big or small.

Am I “Korean”? Parts of me definitely are. Am I proud of my Korean identity? I definitely am. And I am not a single identity. I am a compilation, a mish-mosh, a consolidation, a junction, and fusion of several identities – and I’m glad Korean is one of them.

I’m glad that I gave Korea a chance to grow on me (through the bickering, stress and temper tantrums). I’m grateful to this country for teaching me to be open to and accept culture for what it is. You can claim the right to diss or judge, only after you make an effort to understand and accept things for the way things are. There are things that I still struggle with, things that I may not like, but equally there are also things that I like, respect, and admire.  I’ve found that ‘objectivity’ is the best approach – like for any other relationship, there are aspects that we like and dislike (or simply find odd) in our friends or family members. But to solely focus on the negative without even trying to look at the positive, is throwing away what could be a good and valuable relationship.

So I just want to say that now, South Korea and I, we’re cool.

And I hope that others will also give cultures a chance, whether it be a brand new one or a culture that’s claiming you as your own even though you feel like strangers. I promise that the relationship, although it’ll take time to work out, will be rewarding in the end. Stereotyping or generalizing not only puts the culture and the people into a small box, but it also puts the person who is doing the stereotyping and generalizing into a small box as well.

This is also part of a personal message that I am writing to myself as I am about to get acquainted with another new culture in a couple of days:

Don’t judge, but keep an open heart and a willingness to get to know. You will be giving yourself an invaluable relationship.

facts versus empathy

“It doesn’t matter what I believe. It only matters what I can prove.” – Kaffi,  “A Few Good Men”

Some days it really feels like this. Rebutting the Korean government’s arguments for the dismissal of a refugee case feels like a wheel in a hamster’s cage – a repetition going nowhere, from the appeal to the Supreme Court.

I believe your story. I feel your hurt. I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through. I’m so sorry for your loss. But how do I tell you that what matters is cold, hard facts that prove your fears? Yes, you are supposed to have the benefit of the doubt, but not in this country. We still have a long ways to go.

I am forced to think of the workings of the Korean government, how to prove the case and how to work around the UN convention on refugees. I’m sorry for the tough questions I ask. I’m sorry that I ask you to recall memories and dates you wish to erase.

The contradicting juxtaposition is so frustrating.

But as ‘hopeless’ as a case may be, and as ‘powerless’ as I feel, I can’t just start out thinking of my responsibility as a ‘lost cause’ and I can’t do a slapdash job because even though there’s nothing in it for me, it’s everything for somebody else. This has led to my decision that I don’t care whether the case has a chance or not, and I don’t care if I’m being inefficient with my time. I’m giving you my best. And whatever the results, let me go through the emotions with you whether you’re disappointed, angry, hopeless, scared, hurt… Whatever it takes, gimme the full ride – teach me full on what ’empathy’ means. Teach me your resilience. Teach me your faith.

Feeling powerless and hopeless, I can handle. Being cold, calculating and rational, I can’t. My emotions win my rationale, but I really can’t let my rationale or efficiency win, because that I really don’t think I can handle.

God, give me the wisdom and discernment to realize that my best is not always good enough but that your love is always great enough.

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Hebrews 11:13, 39-40 – “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth… These were all commended for their faith yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.”

brick walls

“The brick walls are there for a reason. They’re not there to keep us out.

The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

-Randy Pausch, “The Last Lecture”

http://favim.com/image/43141/

I’ve encountered a brick wall. A big one.

And I’m struggling. And it hurts.

The choking heavy kind that presses and lingers in your throat and moistens your eyes with translucent drops of water, waiting to release the collected reservoir throughout the day but being barely controlled by prideful resistance and the facade of inner strength.